You Aren't Perfect but You Make Life Worth It- KW

I stay awake all night to smoke a cigarette at 5am in near freezing temperatures to contemplate the fact that I'm in a dying marriage. We are all dying. We are born to die. This fact slaps me in the face when my denial shield is out of service. I was born into a world that promises happiness and hope. And while I desperately cling to both when Life's pendulum swings that way; I am no longer complacent in slaving myself into believing that the life I live is "happy".  My husband will probably practice infidelity the same way he practices apathy. I am no more than a noisy roommate to him. At best I'm a funny channel on T.V. that at times entertains him. If there is a morsel of love for me in his corpse it will eventually be devoured by resentment. He will hate me as much as I hate myself. Part of me is relieved at the inevitability of this bitter damnation. If I'm privy to the ending there is no reason to destroy my inner self to please a man who will be nothing but a stranger at the end. But my struggle lays in the perplexing emotion in which I love him. I do care so much about him, I unswervingly respect him. But each day, ignoring me comes easier and easier to him. I can prevail. I will be the best Monica Foy I can be, but that's all. It's not in my soul to change who I am...not for a man. Not even my husband; the man I'll probably pine for until my very death. How can this be? How is he mine and not mine at all? He is devoted. That's my only comfort for the time being. But how long does devotion last? How much longer can I keep him with my slowing mind and widening waist? I am almost out of friendly. I am digging my nails into the floorboards of sanity...

"On a bathroom wall I wrote "I'd rather argue with you than to be with someone else". I took a piss and dismiss it like fuck it, and I went and found somebody else. Fuck arguing or harvesting the feelings, I'd rather be by my fucking self. Till about 2am and I call back and I hang up and start to blame myself...Somebody help." -Kanye West